Blogjune: My Love

A photo of Lanie, Cecily's one and only love. She is wearing a blue and green ombre suit, and is making a peace sign at the camera.

I’ve started and deleted so many blog posts about my relationship with Lanie, but every single time I delete them. No one could possibly be interested in my love-drunk musings because I have nothing profound to say about this coupling.

But you guyssss…she makes me so HAPPY. I am a giddy teenager, still. When she runs her hand through her hair, I swoon. When she looks at me, my face gets hot. And that’s to say nothing of how I feel when she touches me.

I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. I’m not sure if it’s because my desk setup sucks or because my RA is getting worse. Earlier tonight, I had a meltdown while talking to Lanie because I realized that if my disease is getting worse, it means I’ll have less time with Lanie.

I realize I should be grateful for any time we get together at all. This crush could have remained unrequited for another 30 years (who am I kidding), so any time we get to spend together as partners is a gift.

I am not a gracious girl.

I am hungry, and needy, and wanty. I have gone without love for so long, that the very idea that the bliss I feel when I’m in her arms could in any way be cut short sends me into a cavernous sadness. How could the universe have me go without her for so long, finally bring us together, but deny me just a little more time with her?

I have never adjusted to injustice, and I don’t think I ever shall if the way my body is feeling is signalling the beginning of our end.