Admitting Defeat

01.08.2012

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I’ve decided to keep Ella for the time being. This relationship deserves a second chance.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write.

I’m going to surrender Ella to a cat rescue group.

At the risk of opening myself up to a lot of judgemental comments from well-meaning cat advocates, let me say that this decision was not an easy one to make. This hurts to admit, and as I type this, I’m shedding copious amounts of giant, snotty tears. In just a few short weeks, this beautiful but troubled cat has completely stolen my heart, but now my heart is breaking because I feel like I’ve been pushed to the limit. There’s also a rhinoceros-sized lump of guilt sitting in my gut to go along with the heartbreak.

This started about three weeks ago, when Ella began peeing on my bed. She still uses her litterbox, so everything seems fine in Catbox Town. Friends who have cats convinced me that she was either distraught or ill, so I took her to the vet to try to rule out illness.

Two vet visits, conflicting diagnoses, and a $500 loan from a friend later, Ella was treated for a urinary tract infection that seems to have cleared up. But the treatment wasn’t without stress because the special prescription food the first vet ordered for her, when coupled with the liquid antibiotics I struggled to give her made her throw up. There’s nothing quite like the sound of a cat throwing up. There are two construction sites right across from my apartment, and I seriously thought the noise was coming from there until I realized it was only 6:15 am, and the construction doesn’t usually get underway until 7:30. But I digress.

Here is the litany of things I have tried thus far:

  • Taking her to the vet
  • Urinalysis
  • Antibiotics, pain killers (which made her constipated), and prescription cat food
  • X-Rays
  • Blood work
  • Buying toys
  • Buying a cat tree
  • Buying special (and expensive) feline pheromone sprays and diffusers to try to relax her
  • Buying holistic herbal remedies to try to relax her
  • Spending more time with her/paying more attention to her
  • Making sure she has someplace to hide
  • Making sure she can look out of the window
  • Making sure she has something to climb
  • Singing songs with her name in it – yes, this was actual advice I received, and I tried it.
  • Changing her cat litter.
  • Going back to her old cat litter.
  • Changing her to wet cat food.
  • Changing her to dry cat food.
  • Feeding her premium cat food.
  • Feeding her cheap cat food, because that’s what she likes.
  • Putting foil on the bed, because cats won’t walk on foil – this actually seemed to work, but I can’t sleep on aluminum foil.
  • Stocking up on expensive enzyme cleaners to completely remove the smell where she’s marked before.

That seems like a lot for six weeks of care, and it is. Some say that’s too many changes in too short of a time, while others suggest that I keep trying. Someone suggested that I was trying too hard. When I heard that, I think I heard and felt my blood pressure skyrocket.

The bed wetting and acting out is getting worse. Typically she only wet the bed when I wasn’t around, but two nights ago, she did a little dance and peed on the bed while I was looking right at her. This morning I woke to find that the little darling had wet the bed while I was sleeping in it, thereby going to the bathroom on me in the process.

I have never in my life felt murderous rage and crushing disappointment at the same time, but I felt it this morning.

This cat isn’t happy. She isn’t happy here, and she isn’t happy with me. She withdraws from my hand when I try to pet her, she turns her back on me when I sit near her, and if by some miracle she allows me to stroke her cheeks or scratch her under the chin, her tail twitches violently, indicating just how annoyed with me she really is.

I chose a pet because I thought it would teach me patience, and would help me learn to love myself and trust people again. I chose Ella because my heart went out to this little kitty who had been abandoned, terrorized (by other cats), and shuttled around between homes several times in just four short years. I wanted to give her a home, stability, a warm, soft place to rest her head, and all the love she could handle. But the staggering anxiety I’ve felt in the last few weeks can’t be good for me. I know it isn’t good for her.

So there you have it. I’m a horrible person. I’m treating a living being like a faulty toaster. And I totally hate myself for it.

  • Colleen Harris

    You’re not a horrible person. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out; I know you love her. And perhaps, by getting her the help she needs and/or a different environment, that makes you a particularly good person instead of a selfish one who would keep her by you even though she’s – for some unknown reason – miserable. You have obviously done everything you (and others) can think of to make things better. It didnt work. You can’t blame yourself for that.

  • Steve Lawson

    Please don’t hate yourself. You are behaving responsibly by taking her to people who will be able to better help her overcome her difficult past, not treating Ella like a bad appliance.

    I think most people aren’t able to provide the kind of care that abused or neglected animals need, and when you are already operating from a deficit of confidence and self-assurance, it might be impossible.

    I’m sorry it has come to this, but I’m sure I’d do the same thing in your shoes. I’ll be thinking of you both.

  • http://endlessvelolove.blogspot.com/ G.E.

    I am with Steve and Colleen… You really shouldn’t beat yourself up over this, and no one – I mean NO ONE should be judging you. I admire that you took action and did your best to make the situation work with Ella, and I have an even greater admiration that you are able to see that perhaps she would do better in another environment. 

    Unfortunately, I have been in very similar situations in the past (one time, I kept the animal – still have him, and another time, I had to give her up). We have to know our limits and what our lives can handle at a given point. I also understand attaching to a pet, even when they’re doing things that outrage us. 

    I hope that as you recover from the heartache of this decision you can take it not as a personal failure or inability to have a pet, but rather as a you making the best decision for another living being. Sending hugs out to you and hoping that you find the strength that I know is so difficult during these kinds of moments.

  • Laura H.

    Oh, Cecily. I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all. You have done so much to try to help Ella. Your decision to surrender her to the rescue group is, in my mind, simply another step you are taking in order to help her. 

    I have been in a similar situation, and did give the cat away. It was a difficult decision to make, but I don’t regret it – it allowed me to be a better owner for my other cat, and I think he was much happier, too. 

    *hugs*

  • http://twitter.com/younglibrarian Katie Dunneback

    *HUGS* One of my strongest-held beliefs about responsible pet ownerships is knowing when it’s not right to have a pet. Sadly, from the sounds of it, Ella’s issues are not allowing her to be the match for you you had hoped for. You are doing the right thing for *both* of you. I know, when you’re ready, you’ll open your heart and your home to another pet in need of your love, and I hope when that time comes, the pet you choose will be able to recognize what a great companion you’ll be to them and choose you as well.

  • Dana

    You are being way too hard on yourself. Your decision to re-home her, is the best thing for both of you. I’m so sorry this has been so expensive and painful. This cat is not one you (or maybe anyone) can handle or afford. It may be she needs to be an outdoor cat, she just might be too feral. Maybe she’s not ‘normal’ (whatever that is)! But in any case you most certainly are not treating her like a toaster! It was just a really bad fit. And I know you don’t want to think about it right now, but there are cats out there who can give you the affection and comfort you are seeking–and teach you the things you want to learn. You just need a mellow well-adjusted cat, or maybe two. xoxo

  • Cinnamon

    Oh man. You have definitely done everything you could possibly do to make it work. But I think you’re right that there is something in this relationship that isn’t working for her and she’s telling you she’s unhappy in the only way she knows how. And you’ve done everything you can do to figure out what that is and try to help solve it for her. I’ve loved and been a “parent” to many cats in my life. But I’ve had to surrender a few who either didn’t like the other pets in my household, or who didn’t like me. You’ve tried so hard to make this work, and it isn’t. It doesn’t mean she isn’t a great cat, it just means she’s not the cat for you. And that is sad and heartbreaking and the fact that you’re so distraught definitely means that you bonded with her even though it wasn’t reciprocal. I only hope that you are able to find a being in the future who does love and appreciate you. Because I can say for personal knowledge that the anguish you have right now is just as strong as the joy you can have when you have the right being in your life. And she’s not a faulty toaster. If she were, you would throw her away and buy a new toaster. But you use the phrase surrender, and that is more appropriate. You’re in a war with her, you’ve admitted defeat, and you are willing to put her in a position so she can find another home where she will feel love. Big, big hugs. As someone who encouraged you to keep trying with her, I’m sorry if anything I said made you feel guilty. Even though I joke about my Rocky being a monster (which he can be), it is also very obvious that he does love us immensely. The highs are as strong as the lows. My sympathies, Cecily. I hope you both find a relationship that suits you better.

    • Cecily Walker

      Cinnamon, I don’t blame you. You encouraged me to keep going, and I appreciate that so much. Please don’t think you’ve done or said anything to make me feel guilty. 

  • Ericmarcellbridges

    Cecily, I agree with Colleen on this. Don’t beat yourself up on your decision.

  • Anonymous

    It hurts when any relationship doesn’t work out, and you can’t beat yourself up over a pet one. I’ve spent most of my entire life with a string of cats. Most have been fine; others not so. It’s incredibly frustrating when, say, a cat you’ve had for years suddenly forgets where the litter box is and what it’s used for and has decided random pieces of furniture will do. I lost a couch and a couple of rugs to one–but I’ve never had to deal with the pure madness of my own bed, geez! Cats and urinary tract infections are incredibly problematic because getting them can become a chronic condition — more especially in male cats, though, because vets have only now realized it comes from their being spayed too early. Our female cat who forgot where the litter box was it turned out had diabetes and a heart condition  (which may have been why she also had the scarily loud purr).  The cat I just lost had several different owners through the years and so meowed/whined constantly for attention (I was on the phone with a friend of mine and on hearing the meowing, she asked me if I was baby-sitting!).  So really, and I’ve taken the long way around to say so, you have nothing to feel guilty about, because sometimes you just can’t keep a cat.

  • Katy Southern

    I can’t add anything, really, that the others haven’t already said. You need to do what’s right for you. And, it sounds like you’re doing what’s best for her, too. You are NOT a horrible person. Not at all.

  • Rahsheen

    There are multiple reality shows about dealing with animals. These shows only work because it’s hard and watching humans attempt to deal with unbalanced or troubled animals is entertaining. Of course, on tv u have a team of experts to figure out the issue and wrap it up within the 60 minute time slot.

    Us normal folk can only do our best up to and including giving control to someone who may do a better job. You shouldn’t feel bad at all. Sounds like you did all you could and you are doing what’s best for Ella. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. You should be proud that you are able to make a decision that, while difficult, also takes Ella’s happiness into account. Many humans are too selfish to do that.

  • http://twitter.com/vicster Vicster (verified)

    Cecily, I’ll echo what others have said. Please, PLEASE do not hate yourself. Neither of you are to blame for Ella’s issues. You have done what you can to give Ella a good home, but, ultimately, you must to do what is right for you so that you can do what is right for Ella.

  • Erik

    You’ve given it a yoemwoman’s effort. I would not have gone even so far myself. You should also consider trying again with another someday, when this wound has healed. My two rescued trouble makers. – for all the little griefs (none so great as Ella’ks though) – really have worked that healing magic you were hoping for. It can happen for you too, with the right little furball.

    • Cecily Walker

      If I do end up surrendering her, I don’t think I’ll get another pet. 

  • http://swirlspice.com Erica M

    I can’t even imagine how hard that was. I try to imagine surrendering Peanut for whatever reason and I can’t even go there.

    Cecily, you had nothing but good intentions. You wanted to make both your life and Ella’s life better. You had good rationale for getting a pet, but you did make an emotional decision to get a high needs pet. Acknowledging that what Ella needs is beyond your ability to give makes you a good person, not a bad one. And it’s not a referendum on your decision-making abilities or your worth as a human being. If having Ella around is causing YOU severe emotional consequences, you can’t put her needs above your own like that. That’s before you even get to the money part.

    Since you already invested in all the cat stuff, any chance you can get a more emotionally healthy cat? I’m really sorry this whole experience has been so traumatizing for you. I don’t know if another cat would make it better or worse emotionally, but I think your original goals and needs can still be met.

    *hugs*

    • Cecily Walker

      I haven’t surrendered her yet. She’s still here, but banished from the bedroom for now. But yes, this process and that decision was extremely difficult.
      If I decide once and for all to surrender her, I don’t know that I’ll get another pet, car or dog. At least not right away.

  • http://twitter.com/WayofCats WayofCats

    You are not a horrible person! You are simply not what she needs.

    No harm on either side. We cannot be what we are not… and neither can Ella. You are doing the right thing here; even though it doesn’t feel that way. It is not a failure if neither of you can be something else, is it?

    Sometimes we are not the cat’s final destination. Sometimes, we are simply the train that helps get them there.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, that is a TON you have done to attempt to make Ella’s life with you as comfortable and pleasurable as possible, if she still isn’t happy (by only pee’ing in her damn box!) than I’m sorry, you are not horrible nor giving up. You are admitting she is not the cat for you, despite your best (amazing) attempts!

    If you decide to try a pet again, you should adopt a young kitten… One that can give you everything you attempted to give Ella. As honourable and good it is to attempt to take in an animal with a sorted past, it is NOT for everyone and definitely not for a ‘new to pet ownership’ person.

    Hugs.

    • Cecily Walker

      Ella isn’t the first pet I’ve had, just the first I’ve had in over 15 years.  And while I thought of getting a kitten,  having to train something so young, and leaving a small kitten unattended while I’m at work  isn’t a great situation for me or the kitten. I can only have one cat where I live, so adopting a second to keep it company isn’t an option. 

  • Cecily Walker

    Thank you (THANK YOU) to all of you who offered words of support. Ella and I are getting along much better now. We both still have our challenges, but I think we are really coming to understand each other. In time, I think we’ll develop a bond and trust that works for us both. 

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